I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
