Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
