We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
