Sorry, I don't speak sober.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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