Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
