I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
