Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
