You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
