:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
