When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
