my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
