also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
