Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
