Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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