Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
