somebody snuck up and got me drunk
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
