This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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