i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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