You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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