If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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