drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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