I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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