she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
