sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
