Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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