Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
kristin has been a bad kristin
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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