Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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