i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
