I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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