my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
