how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
