I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
