I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
