When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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