i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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