Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
