well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
