peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
