i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
