Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
