I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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