Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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