I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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