she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
