the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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