As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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