When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
