Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
