Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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