get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
