I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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