My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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