U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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