we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
