I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We don't watch enough power rangers
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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