So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
