Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
this beer tastes like vomit already
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
