someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
