Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
