so that wasnt chicken after all
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
